| the greatest dream ever
||[Jan. 23rd, 2009|07:55 pm]
|||||the TK house||]|
|||||Metallica - Crash Course in Brain Surgery||]|
I just woke from the greatest dream ever.
I was back in high school, we're i'm a fucking legend, right, and it was the state championship game.
We were up by 5 with 10 seconds to go, and the other team was about to score. if we stop them, we win, if they score we lose.
we broke the huddle and got into our 4-4 formation. I got into my 3-point stance, looked up at the quarterback, and noticed that he was a big piece of bacon! it was fucking awesome. i stood up and told coach. i said, "COACH, ITS BACON! ITS BACON!"
Coach said, "yes meathead, its bacon, go eat it. eat it all like you're at Shoneys after a long night of drinking and fucking pussies."
I don't know how I didn't jump offsides, but as soon as the ball was snapped, I plowed through the offensive lineman and tackled the crispy bacon quarterback... then i started eating him. it was fucking awesome.
then his teammates and the police tried to pull me off of him, but they were all pussies. Not pussies like guys who don't drink beer, play football, and eat bacon; i'm talking they were actual shaved pussies.
I had a mouth full of bacon (quarterback), and i fucked every single pussy on the field. even my own teammates.
Coach was a big hairy pussy. i love that shit! i ate him out and put the pictures on my myspace... and if Tom deletes those pictures, i'll beat him up and shit... and break his non-bacon eating neck... and his legs.
I hope it wasn't even a dream.
I'll let you know.
||[Feb. 27th, 2005|04:28 pm]
|||||"Enter Sandman" Henry Rollins cover of a Metallica song...||]|
Its sunday, I'm hungover, and I'm about to do a survey. I'm gonna turn this survey in as my term paper in English. Then my teacher will see how awesome I am, and she's gonna want to fuck me. She probably already wants to fuck me anyway...
What do you eat when you raid the fridge late at night? It used to be Bacon, but my doctor said I had to give up bacon for lent. So now its Roast Beef...
What is your secret guaranteed weeping movie? I've never cried in my life, what you think i am, a pussy?
If you could have plastic surgery, what would you have done? I'd get muscles put onto my nose, so when i'm eating pussy, i could flex my nose all seductively, and chicks would cum instantly...
Do you have a completely irrational fear? geez, where do i begin? I fear fumbling in big games...but I never do, they don't call me "Probably Won't Fumble" Meat Head for nothing..
What is the little physical habit that gives away your insecure moments? I usually get a raging boner in the shower after football games, but its because I'm thinking of all the cheerleaders I'll fuck later that night....not the dudes showering with me...
Are you a pyromaniac? Hell Yeah, I watch Porn all the time!
Do you have too many love interests? I love Bacon, Pussy, and Roast Beef.....not necessarily in that order...
Do you know anyone famous? Coach is pretty famous. I met TV's Nick Hebert at the Chuckle Hut, but nothing about him says TV or Nick Hebert...
Describe your bed. One Mattress, 3 Chicks......but not all the time, the mattress is optional..
Who would play you in a movie? I think if Jason Neusted would work out constantly for 3 years and get back with Metallica, he could play me in my movie..
Do you know how to play poker? no, but I can play "Poke-Her"....huhhh huuuh, get it?........TK!
What do you carry with you at all times? a syringe, a condom, pre-cooked bacon, and a cell phone.
What do you miss most about being a kid? Breast Milk. My mom is a MILF
What is your beloved's name? B.A.L.C.O.
Do you like their given name? of course, it has "LCO" in it...
Are you happy with your given name? No.
How much money would it take to get you to give up the Internet for one year? Figure it out yourself, 365 days a year times $5.99 (Roast Beef Poboy at Kirby's)
What color is your bedroom? TK colors.
What was the last song you were listening to? "Liar" by Henry Rollins
Have you ever been in a play? I'm in every play of the game. On offense and defense...
Have you ever been in love? I love to run the option...and i love my bacon patches that my doctor gave me to cut down my bacon intake...
Do you talk a lot? Yes I do
Do you like yourself and believe in yourself? I love myself, and I'm the best at everything I do..
Do you consider yourself to be a nice person? Off the field no....but on the field, still no...
Do you spend more time with your girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse or your friends? I spend all my time with my friends, making new girlfriends...
What is your ideal marriage location? Marriage? coach warned me about that word....
Which musical instrument do you wish you could play? I wish I could play the Pussyhone....I don't know what kind of instrument it would be, but I bet it would be awesome to be a pussyphone player in a band... I'd probably get even more pussy....and a free phone...
Favorite fabric? Latex.....you get it? huuuh huuhhh...
Something you love and hate? pubic hair. I love mine, but i hate it on chicks...
Do you tell your friends about your sex life? I'm a frat guy. I don't know any of my best friends' names, but I know every chick we're all fucking.
What smell do you find sexy? Drakkar Noir...
What's the one language you want to learn? HTML, so i can make my own porn site..
How do you eat an apple? I bring it to kirby's, I let them shred it up and mix it in with my roast beef poboy, so i can have my daily serving of fruits...
What do you order at a bar? phone numbers...
Have you ever pierced your body parts? Piercings are for fags..
Do you have tattoos? I have this big dragon eating bacon straight out the package on my back. I have our playbook tattooed on my arms so I don't have to study it too much...
Do you drive a stick? No, i'm straight...
What's one trait you hate in a person? The one trait I hate is queers, rednecks, and cats...
What kind of watch do you wear? I have a kick ass retro "Neighborhood Watch" shirt that I wear...
Do you consider yourself materialistic? Probably, but I'll have to find out what that means...
What do you cook the best? Ramen Noodles
Favorite writing instrument? Bobby's needles..
Do you prefer to stand out or blend in? with a body like this, I can't help but stick out...
Would you ever go out dressed like the opposite sex? That's what fags do. When I wear a toga, its not like a dress. Its simply to show respect for the Greeks and to get pussy...
What's one car you will never buy? a Mini Cooper...
What kind of books do you like to read? Playbooks..
If you won the lottery, what would you do? I'd buy a new TK frat house, then I'd have a big party, burn it down, then buy a new one. I'd repeat that until I'd have only a few dollars left, then I'd spend the rest of my money on condoms...
Burial or cremation? With all the alcohol and bacon grease in me, they'd never be able to put out the fire...
How many online journals do you read regularly? None...
What's one thing you're a loser at? Not getting pussy...I can't go 2 minutes without getting ass...
If you don't like a person, how do you show it? I normally just kick their ass or challenge to a 40 yard dash...
Do you cry in front of your friends? I haven't cried since i first saw "Rudy" when i was 6...
What kind of first impression do you think you give to people? Probably that I'm ripped...
What's one thing you like to do alone? jack off..
Are you a giver or a taker? I'm a giver...I don't take..
When's the last time you cried? when i was six
Favorite communication method? getting head...
How many drinks before you're tipsy?usually a full kegg and a few tabs..
Do you think you're cute? I don't think I'm cute, but I'm a sexy son of a bitch...
Do you have problems changing clothes in front of friends? I've been playing varsity football since i was 3. I have problem changing clothes alone, but in front of my friends, i'm okay.
Favorite type of music? I only like Pantera, Metallica, and Henry Rollins...
What is the sexiest thing the opposite sex can wear that catches your eye? a nicotine patch
Do you like to kiss or hug? Girls, yes, guys no. a simple pat on the ass works for me..
Are you a workaholic? its against NCAA rules for me to work...
What are your kids names? I have a few kids. Their names are Option, Wing-T, and Oscar Meyer
Do you watch a lot of television? nope, just porn and food network stuff..
Do you like to shop? No, a stop to Abercrombie every other day is all i need...
What is your hidden talent? I can shotgun a keg...
Would you die to save the life of someone you deeply love? and throw away my football career?
Do you own or lease your automobile? both..
Are your friends married or single? My friends are all single, with no expiration date on the playa's cards
How long have you known your best friend? I've been knowing bacon since i was a baby...\
Is he/she married? it better not be...
Do you own a Bible? yeah, its called my playbook. That's a little joke coach taught me...
What version is it? Flexbone - Option..
Do you like to do jigsaw puzzles? Is that something they do in those shop classes?
Do you play chess? yeah, but i'm more of an ass guy...
Do you like the rain? Rain makes for some fun football games...
Do you like thunderstorms? I hate rain..
What's your favorite website? www.meatheadspornwebsitecomingsoon.com
What was your weight when you were born? I don't know, I guess i was just weighting until 9 months like I was supposed to. I wish i could have weighted longer. When I'm in a pussy, I'm usually up in there for a long time...
What time were you born? I don't remember...I was too young..
What year did you graduate high school? In my senior year
What was your first job? a hand job in Kindergarten..
Do you believe in God? yeah, but those Hail Mary's never work...
|Kevin Bacon.....Huuuh Huuuuh
||[Feb. 8th, 2005|03:09 am]
|||||Metallica - Harvester of Sorrow||]|
So last night was awesome. I got some pussy, but I ran out of bacon, which sucked... Like we grilled some bacon for the parade, but with all the frat guys there, we ran out quick. All the stores were out of bacon too, so we all had to go to Burger King and order hamburgers with bacon on them to satisfy our man sized cravings for bacon...
The Superbowl was awesome. Football, Bacon, and Pussy, all in the same day.....does it get any better than that?
I somehow got back to the TK House at about 8am, I don't remember how, but I made it back. I crashed on the pool table in the kitchen. I had the worst dream. I dreamt that James Hetfield got into a big fight with a huge pile of bacon. It was a nightmare! Of course, James dominated the pile of bacon. I remember James standing on the pile of bacon, singing "Seek and Destroy" a cappella... It was a beautiful sight, but yet it was a horrible sight. Right after he finished that glorious song, the 18-wheeler that transported Metallica across the country in the "Mother Load" contest picked up James, then ran over the pile of bacon, ruining the pile of artery clogging goodness... I woke up sweating like I had just run wind sprints for Two-a-Days in spring practice.
Then I got up, had some Fruity Pebbles and a bowl of bacon, then I went work out.... I called my boy Tommy to see what was up, and he said he had the same dream. So I hope it really didn't happen, that would suck to waste all that bacon. So in order to stop monstrosities like this from ever happening, the guys in TK are starting "Save The Bacon". Its not like those stupid enviromental groups that try to save stupid animals that are only alive so that they'll make a good sandwich someday, oh no, we're talking like, this activist group will watch over a pig's life from the day its born and it won't even stop when the pig dies. An activist will be alocated to a certain pig, and will watch over that pig from the day it is born, to the day it dies, and it'll accompany the pig to the slaughterhouse, then to the supermarket, and finally, to the customers house until they eat it. Just to make sure not a single strand of bacon is ever lost or wasted. Save The Bacon (or as the spelling impaired like to call it, "STB" is looking for volunteers to watch over the pigs. We can't do it, because we have football to play, chicks to fuck, and bacon to eat. Plus, I'd get bored just watching a pig, I'd have to make veal bacon out of that little porker. Huuuh Huuh!
I'm working on a paper for my english class right now, its called "Metallica Rocks Harder Than Really Hard Stuff, Like Whiskey" (I named it myself). This is gonna be so easy. I can't wait until the towel boys finish my paper and read it to me, it's gonna rock so hard!
I hope they forget to start school back next week...
Well i'm going to Shoney's, then i'm going get some pussy.
|RIP COACH CARTER
||[Feb. 4th, 2005|08:37 pm]
|||||Metallica - "Leper Messiah"||]|
Today is Friday night. They should change the name Friday Night to Pussy Night. That's what it should be. Huuuh Huhh. We're having a big party at our frat house tonight. We're getting two keggs, 40 pounds of bacon, and all the hot girls on campus. If you like the three B's (bacon, beer, and pussy), come party with us at the TK house. Its free for the hot chicks, but if you're a dude that doens't belong to TK or doesn't play football, you have to pay the cover charge of $400. Huuuh Huhh.
Coach Carter is probably gonna die from a concussion. The quarterback threw the ball and it hit him in the head. That stupid bastard shouldn't have been there. I guess that's why he's only a special teams coach.
Earlier this week, I performed my stand up comedy routine at the Chuckle House Uptown. I killed that place. I was so good, they invited me back the next night. There were so many fags in the crowd. They probably don't even like bacon. The second night, two rednecks tried heckling me and Tommy, but we showed them. The TK crew was in the house that night. Mad Shouts to my boys for the support. I was awesome. I was funnier than Opera Wimpfrey.
I need to go, while you losers are reading this, I'll be out getting pussy.....and bacon! You'll be at home playing Yahtzee, and I'll be getting drunk and fucking a bunch of sorority girls. If you aren't in my fraternity, you're probably not even a man. I'm TK for life! Holla at your boy!
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